Saints Row: The Third

When it comes to stupid fun, Saints Row: The Third has no equal this year. 

You may have scaled giant mountains and slain fire breathing dragons in Skyrim, you may have gone toe-to-toe with some of DC's biggest villains in Arkham City, and you may have fought modern day wars with cutting edge technology, online and offline. 

But I can personally guarantee, unless your life is far more interesting than mine, that you have not beaten a policeman to death with a giant purple sex toy, escaped from gangsters riding carriages pulled by saddled men on your own personal man-horse, or murdered hordes of prostitute assassins alongside a pimp only capable of speaking in autotune. 

This is pretty much as sane as the game gets. In between bursts of bizarre obscenity and crime game stereotypes, there are gloriously mental moments which had me staring open-mouthed at the screen in genuine what-the-fuckery. In fact, it wouldn't be over the top at all to say that the first, say, half hour of the game has more balls per second (Henceforth referred to as BPS) than any action movie I've watched in the past two years. There is no downtime in Saints Row, it takes the idea of serious sandboxes and then crams it full of toys, explosions, car chases, zombies, Tron levels, and bizarre sexual references.

The game rockets from one activity to the next, and many of these will be familiar to those who have followed the Saints Row series - you can merrily return to haphazardly chucking yourself in front of cars to make money in Insurance Fraud, or hanging off of buildings and sniping cyberpunk criminals just because you feel like it. This is where Saint's Row's strengths lie, glorious, mindless, violent stupid fun, a brilliant respite from the drama-heavy games of late. It's not for everyone, and I'm certain there'll be people who play it once and hate it. 

But for those who don't, you'll have hours upon hours of psychotic grin inducing gameplay ahead, especially if you have the preorder bonuses. This includes a mind controlling octopus gun, a gameshow costume topped with a Deadmau5 style cat head, and a truck mounted with a man-firing cannon that lets you fire yourself and countless others clean across the skyline. If you read that sentence and thought "Hell yeah", then Saints Row is definitely for you.

-SZ

Collect THIS - Assassin's Creed Revelations

So, the new Assassin's Creed came out recently - It's November, of course there's another AC game out - and while I've had a bit too much on my plate to really involve myself with the game itself, I did march out dutifully on November 15th and purchase the collector's edition on PS3. Subliminal programming successful, Ubisoft. Your secret French masterplan is finally succeeding.

This collector's edition is nicely presented, but hardly beats the previous Codex Edition of Brotherhood. It comes in a solid plastic box with a cardboard overlay, with a subtle plastic switch on the front to open the top and reveal the nerdy goodness within. As for extra content, you get a couple of extra multiplayer characters, the dungeon of Vlad the Impaler to explore as an extra level, and some pretty thin collector's stuff. 

The first thing I pulled out was the artbook. It's pretty slim but it has some cool images in it, and it's interesting to see Ezio's evolution in Ubisoft's eyes. It also has a very, very, shiny cover. If you lived somewhere that isn't England, you get a much more substantial and apparently very high quality book. So hate yourself for living in a country that receives lower than standard collector's materials!

The only other item of interest is the Assassin's Creed: Embers short film. This is pretty nice to look at and a nice way of wrapping up Ezio's story, but ultimately unimpressive. I would have bought this set regardless as I have every other AC game in collector's edition, but I wouldn't recommend shelling out the extra cash for this box unless you're just as obsessive about the games as I am. 

As for the game itself; I've played three or four hours, and it's good. I'm eternally disappointed in Ubi for refusing to move out of the same city visuals but there's enough new stuff here to contend with ACII and easily surpass Brotherhood. 

-SZ

 

Idiot Wars Episode I... the Idiots Strike Back

we petition the obama administration to:

Immediately Ban the Deadly Videogame Known as "SkyRim" for The Safety of America's Youths.

Whereas videogaming has proven to cause social, ethical and health problems in people of all ages,

Whereas sexual perversion and homosexuality are threatening to destroy the Christian foundations on which this nation was built,

Whereas a new video game has just been created that far exceeds any others in the psychological and spiritual damage it does to teens,

We, the American people, today ask you,

1) To enact an immediate ban on the videogame known as "SkyRim" produced by Blizzard Entertainment.

2) To seize and destroy all copies already in public hands and erase its presence on the internet.

3) To prosecute the players of "SkyRim" to the fullest extent of the law.

4) To create a national database of videogame avatars and "screen names" so that teenagers can be better monitored.

Created: Nov 24, 2011

Issues: Civil Rights and Liberties, Human Rights, Technology and Telecommunications

Learn about Petition Thresholds

It's up to you to build support for petitions you care about and gather more signatures. A petition must get 150 signatures in order to be publicly searchable on WhiteHouse.gov.

Over time, we may need to adjust the petition signature thresholds, but we'll always let you know what the thresholds are.

Signatures needed by December 24, 2011 to reach goal of 25,000

24,987

Total signatures on this petition

13

via wwws.whitehouse.gov

It's no secret that I highly disapprove of those relatively few idiot Americans that set the trend for a global stereotype. These stupid bastards make the US a tragic joke in the eyes of the civilized world, and does nothing to rid the world of the idea that Americans are all hyper-Christian hicks who'll happily be offended at just about anything.

These particular idiots have had a go at just about everything I hold dear - rock and metal music haven't had an easy ride, and there's been no shortage of thick politicians attempting to ride an anti-videogame policy to success (This is mainly because no-one is easier to exploit than bad parents looking for a scapegoat).

But don't you fuck with Skyrim, America. Don't even go there.

Can you imagine if the beleaguered US government just decided to ditch worrying about Afghanistan and the fact that pretty much every teen who isn't playing Skyrim is currently part of the Occupy movement to try and take this seriously?

"I'm sorry, what? You want us to get rid of the one thing keeping teenagers at home? Fuck you, Tennessee"

I'll end this rant here, but rest assured America, I have plenty more bile to douse your idiots with.

I'm just too busy playing videogames right now.

-L

My first day in Skyrim...

At the time of writing, I have clocked up my first twenty hours on The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, which entitles me to present to you this brief summary of a day in the life of a Dragonborn- 

(Some minor spoilers ahead)

 

• Almost got executed. Dragon appeared. Didn't get executed.
• Went into giant cave. Found ancient Dragon word. 
• Found Whiterun, the first city you encounter in the storyline. 
• Killed a dragon because it was there. 
• Learned how to Shout because I absorbed the Dragon's soul. 
• Promptly spent a good half hour Shouting at townsfolk until a guard appeared and nervously asked me to pack it in. 
• Was made Thane of Whiterun, given a flame axe (Catch!) and a bodyguard who I pretty much just told to stay home. 
• Walked up a huge fucking mountain. 
• Shouted at an old man. 
• Joined a rebellion, helped said rebellion attack and take over Whiterun, got told off by the Jarl who was ruling it beforehand. 
• Heard one Dragon calling another worthless and wondered if workplace bullying was commonplace in their society. 
• Killed the worthless dragon and then felt bad, then realized I could use its soul to Shout at time. 
• Shouted at time. 
• Got bored of killing dragons, wandered off into the "Miscellaeneous" quest section.
• Killed an old woman.
• Got kidnapped in my sleep and inducted into the Dark Brotherhood. 
• Killed a woman with a bow and arrow at her own wedding. Felt awesome for about two seconds before her husband came over and stabbed me in the face a few times. 
• Decided to try my luck with one of those big mammoths. Got hit by a giant and flew clear across the map. 

It's all been one giant "ooooh, what's this?". The main storyline kept my attention for maybe five hours or so but then I just went and lost myself in the huge amount of content on offer. Sure, I'll wander back to it eventually, but for now, I'm just enjoying the meticulously crafted, beautifully realized game world, which, despite being filled with freezing mountains and cold plains, is more alive than any world Bethesda has forged beforehand. 

It's easy to see how their experience with other games has changed Skyrim. Even minor stylistic elements like the interface - which, by the way, is super streamlined and amazingly intuitive - and the way names of discoveries scroll atop the screen remove any possibility of distraction. Nothing ever tries to pull you away from the game. It pauses while you change weapons, spells, and armour, but the game in front of you is still very clear. It allows you to do what you want with minimal distraction, and it's awesome. 

Bear in mind this isn't a proper review. I'll get one of those written up when I've actually finished the main story line... say at around the 50 hour point? 

See you then!

-L

Collect THIS: FF XIII-2 Collector's Edition

via kotaku.com

In an attempt to start blogging more regularly, here's a new feature I'm going to try and introduce over the next few weeks - every week I'll post some sort of awesome/failsome collectable for your viewing pleasure. This will include games, DVDs, figures, and ridiculous memorabilia.

So here's the FF XIII-2 Collector's Edition (I think it may be time to abandon the Roman numerals, Square) in all its underwhelming glory. As has become rather prevalent lately, the general approach to producing a CE tends to be sticking it in white book packaging and stuffing some extra DLC in it. The most ridiculous thing about this is 95% of the time, this DLC will be released on PSN, XBL, or Steam, removing the exclusive appeal entirely.

If this was a lesser developer I would let it slide, but think of the potential a Final Fantasy special edition has, the amount of imaginative crap they could fill it with. Cuddly Moogles, startling Tonberry statues that seem to get closer every time you look at them, Yuna's gurning face to scare off any potential purchaser. Or perhaps just a soundclip from that awkward laughing scene in X playing eternally to murder your ear drums and make you cringe so hard your face turns in on itself.

I personally vote for a life size, fully functional Buster Sword, but no-one ever listens to the creepy guy with long hair and glasses.

-L

No More Heroes micro review

Yesterday I sat down to play a game I've always been intrigued by, yet avoided at all costs. It's called No More Heroes, and I've dodged it thus far because it was previously a Wii exclusive (And Nintendo is Satan). 

No More Heroes: Heroes' Paradise is a PS3 Move version of the original games. All credit to them, this was no lazy port - the game has been given a HD revamp and there's no doubt at all that it looks very slick, very stylish, and very cinematic. Unfortunately, this game is a poster child for style over substance, and the controls are unbearably wooden, so even though Travis looks cool swinging his giant shiny rod around onscreen, it feels like you're bashing a cotton bud against a redwood. 

I could probably have forgiven the repetitive, finisher-heavy combat if it was some sort of weird minigame, and it's probably better if you play it with the Move (I personally refuse to bow to the motion control cash in). The driving, however? That sucks balls. It was like playing the first Driver game with a broken controller... and severe autism. His heavy, future-retro bike turns corners like Tron without the early Sci-Fi quirkyness, and I found it totally unplayable. 

So, in short - everything is wooden. The jokes are funny at first but there's only so many times you can rehash an "I want to have lots of sex with you" innuendo. Thugs scream "My spleen!" almost every time you kill them and that really, really starts to drag. There are plenty of cool little things to do - like part time jobs, exploring all the little bits of Travis' apartment, but the main game itself fails to do enough to hold them up. 

It gets a 6/10 in my opinion, but it may just be quirky/dirty enough to stand up for some people.

 

-L